Monday, 24 August 2009

One Liners

Someone has conducted a survey of the better jokes told at the Edinburgh Fringe this year. The Top 10 jokes were judged to be:
1) Dan Antopolski - "Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?"
2) Paddy Lennox - "I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting'."
3) Sarah Millican - "I had my boobs measured and bought a new bra. Now I call them Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes because they're up where they belong."
4) Zoe Lyons - "I went on a girls' night out recently. The invitation said 'dress to kill'. I went as Rose West."
5) Jack Whitehall - "I'm sure wherever my dad is; he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending."
6) Adam Hills - "Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You know you're going to get it, but it's going to be rough."
7) Marcus Brigstocke - "To the people who've got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn't invent it!" [Idle comments - typical unfunny effort from unfunny overpaid BBC lefty arrogant prick]
8) Rhod Gilbert - "A spa hotel? It's like a normal hotel, only in reception there's a picture of a pebble."
9) Dan Antopolski - "I've been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar. Well, I've seen it six times and there isn't."
10) Simon Brodkin (as Lee Nelson) - "I started so many fights at my school - I had that attention-deficit disorder. So I didn't finish a lotof them."
The judges also listed some of the "worst" jokes at this year's Fringe.
Carey Marx - "I'm not doing any Michael Jackson jokes, because they always involve puns about his songs. And that's bad."
Frank Woodley - "I phoned the swine flu hotline and all I got was crackling."
Alex Maple - "Michael Jackson only invented the moonwalk so he could sneak up on children."
Phil Nichol - "She's got a face like a rare Chinese vase - minging."

19 comments:

Blue Eyes said...

Hmm, I guess you had to be there...

Scrobs... said...

Hilarious!

A favourite of mine for years ...

'There are two blokes I most in this world, and he's both of them'!

idle said...

Scrobs, the missing word in your one-liner is crucial to the meaning, I can't help but feel.

I agree with Blue that some are not exactly laugh out loud. But I thought the chicken and egg and the Rose West were very good.

Tuscan Tony said...

With you on 1-6: a chuckle from each. Marcus Brigstocke should be chained permanently to that other mass of erectile tissue, Steve Coogan.

lilith said...

Idle you are much funnier than any of those, although I liked the marathon one too...

William Gruff said...

The swine flu joke did tickle my ribs and the Mrs Gruff's.

Elby the Beserk said...

None of them a patch on Tommy Cooper's face, frankly.He didn't have to open his moth to make you laugh.

Comedians today, eh?

Hmm. Les Dawson on the piano.

Sorry, those are piss poor above!

electro-kevin said...

My gran was such a tart we had to bury her in a 'Y' shaped coffin.

Scrobs... said...

Hellfire Iders; surfeit of too much work today - more typos than ever after yesterday's triumph...(shaking fingers on keyboards etc etc)!

Correction has to be...

"'There are two blokes I hate most in this world, and he's both of them'!

Coat already retrieved and door in sight...sorry...

idle said...

Elby said: "None of them a patch on Tommy Cooper's face,frankly. He didn't have to open his moth to make you laugh."

Never saw that trick.

Philipa said...

So agree with Idles comments on Marcus Brigstock. Yet such offering populate R4 like herpes.

I remember Tommy Cooper coming on stage and basically standing there for a good 5 mins (which is a long time) saying nothing. Yet the audience was in stitches and we at home were falling about laughing. He was so funny.

Here's a joke about the male midlife crisis:

After being married for 18 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, 'Love, 18 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old girl. Now I have a £500,000 home, a £45,000 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a
43 year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.'

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old girl, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

The Lakelander said...

Totally agree with you re: Marcus Brigstocke.

Why is it that the lefties who went to public school are always the most mouthy?

wildhighlander said...

Saved me fortune. Many thanks!

idle said...

You're welcome, wildhighlander. Are you going to spend the saved money on flights to the Ulster reunion?

Philipa said...

Dearest Idle, I read your jokes and they are lame compared to (mine - sent to me by a male friend) the very funny and stupid things people say, hosted on my blog under the title of 'here's your sign'.

I recommend it.

If you don't read it immediately I'll bite your bottom off.

Philipa said...

Sorry, that is an empty threat I usually use on my children, who giggle after hearing it. I will, of course, not be biting your bottom, Idle.

idle said...

I didn't claim the jokes were good, pip, I thought the fact that they were deemed to be the best of this year's stand-up acts at the Fringe was instructive.

I happen to think that the marathon joke, the Rose west joke and the 'dad looking down on us' joke were high quality, though, and also the swine flu gag.

I listened to 'here's your sign' yesterday and it was a bit too American for me. I like some American humour - Frasier is peerless - but much of the rest does not grab me.

Thanks for withdrawing the threat. I won't have to look over my shoulder when out exercising the idle dog.

Philipa said...

Soz, I meant that I often find real things funnier than any joke, however good the joke (I liked #2 & #5 btw), the real stupid things that people say. The danger with George Bush was that it made you dismiss him and forget he was in charge of a world nuclear power.

Your bottom need never fear me, I'm too busy looking at your legs.

Vinogirl said...

I'm with you...I like the chicken and the egg one.