Tuesday, 23 March 2010

A Scientist Writes

Oxford University researchers have discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction (that would normally take less than a second) to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.


Scrobs... said...

...all of which could be dissolved immediately with the application of a small electrical force - say 20,000volts, or, perhaps with several hundredweight of weedkiller and a few other delectable comestibles, shaken not stirred!

circus monkey said...

At last, someone who can tell his pillocks from his morons!

rvi said...

This is a regular on the spam email circuit. There are now further elements to be added, one of which is bankruptium, but I cannot offhand recall the others. A browse through recent entries on Guido will probably come up with the missing names.

Philipa said...


You've not mentioned that Governmentium attracts the parasitic compound 'Journalism' that is largely immune to the enzyme 'real news' and reacts instead with Governmentium to produce 'professional gossip' through the medium 'catlittertrayliner'.

lilith said...

Haha, and nice addition Pip. It forms toxic compounds which cause nausea, irritability, despair, lassitude in voters.

Electro-Kevin said...

It's also unstable with a potential to create black holes. It was first discovered in a bottomless pit.

Bill Quango MP said...

Dear Professor Idle,
We were working on this during the Irish referendum on Lisbon.

Having read of your excellent work on Governmentium we here at the Toyoda Ka Institute in Seoul would welcome your views on some parallel research we have been conducting.

It appears there is an even thicker material which has 785 particles. There is an extremely large quantity of Administratium present in this new element.
The Protons {positives] are outnumbered very heavily by the Electrons [negatives].
The Electrons are very unusual in that their negative charge is double a normal electron so we decided to call them NullElections or if you prefer from the Greek
No ReFerendeums.

In the case of this atom whether there is a NullElections, ReFerendeums or Null vote ReFereneums or shared elections the effect on The Centre Nucleus remains the same.

There is never is any change or movement whatsoever. No change has ever been recorded on the Nucleus regardless of referendums.

It is most perplexing.
The Isodopes appear at first glance to be Radioactive, and "Radiate" energy but on closer inspection the Isodopes are completely inert.

We call this dense, Inert Gas
Eunion, chemical formula, EU.

Any help you can give us here would be most valuable.

Professor Kim-ill Kwang Go
Toyoda Ka Institute

idle said...

The Seoul representative makes a good point. Under what circumstances can Administratium Europeanensis ever be effected by other elements?

Luckily, Administratium Britannica is vulnerable to change.

Philipa said...

I'm not a fan of Rod Liddle but what a good quote, Idle. As ever.

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