The Glow of Success

How pessimistic must one be to roll out a tangerine-coloured multi-millionaire non-dom compulsive liar warmonger to increase one's vote?

And did you HEAR him? Decorum prevents me from posting the video. But he's learned a thing or two on his bible tours of the Deep South, that's for sure. HOOOOOOOOOOLY Mother of GAAAAAAAWWWWD, that's for sure.

I have never understood why retired politicians can 'clean up' on the public speaking circuit. Who pays a grand a plate for what they have to say? Do they give the same speech a hundred times, or a hundred different speeches which are, basically, the same old same old? I'm more interested in politics than anyone I know and I have NEVER been asked to pay for rubber chicken and a re-fried speech from Bill or Tony or the other plutocratic wordsmiths. I don't even know anyone who HAS. True, I'm going to listen to Lamont at a Reform thinktank dinner after Easter, but only because it's work and I know the wine will be excellent.

This tosser believes he is the Messiah. Let's take him at his word and crucify the bastard.

You Couldn't Make it Up

Oh dear.

The sub-editor of the Times didn't seem to realise that his European correspondent was rather, shall we say, aptly named for the story he wrote about the ongoing shocking revelations of the Catholic church and buggery.

Look at who wrote this:

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/faith/article7065824.ece

One's first thought is that this has been doctored, but I have googled the author and he appears to be a kosher Times hack.

Other sites are having fun at his expense:

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2010/03/26/boys_choir/

A Scientist Writes

Oxford University researchers have discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction (that would normally take less than a second) to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.

Not Makin Bacon

This is an oldie but goldie. First went round in 2007, noticed by our friend Guido Fawkes.

I am pleased to count Nigel Johnson-Hill as a friend and neighbour. His razor sharp wit and splendid imagination for this letter was, and is, a joy.

Read it and laugh/weep. It encapsulates so much of what is wrong about this country.

Miliband was, in those far off days, the DEFRA secretary. Yes, a political wonk from the Chosen Race's enclave of North London, who had never been further out of London than Mill Hill, was the FARMING secretary. Gawd elpus!

Rt Hon David Miliband MP

Secretary of State, Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA)

Nobel House17 Smith SquareLondon SW1P 3JR

16 May 2007

Dear Secretary of State,

My friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque for £3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs. I would now like to join the “not rearing pigs” business.

In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy.

I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these?
As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven’t reared. Are there any Government or Local Authority courses on this?
My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968. That is – until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any.

If I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing 100?
I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the first year. As I become more expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say, 40,000 pigs not reared in my second year, for which I should expect about £2.4 million from your department. Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible to receive tradable carbon credits for all these pigs not producing harmful and polluting methane gases?

Another point: These pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I don’t rear?
I am also considering the “not milking cows” business, so please send any information you have on that too. Please could you also include the current Defra advice on set aside fields? Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual fields (of which I seem to have several thousand hectares)?

In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and will therefore qualify for unemployment benefits.

I shall of course be voting for your party at the next general election.

Yours faithfully,
Nigel Johnson-Hill