Thursday, 30 April 2009

Scary Munter and the Halfwit Mince

Time magazine has produced a list of 100 global movers 'n shakers. McBust and Boris are the two UK politicians to make it into the list. Time/CNN asked a (supportive) celebriddy to write a puff piece on each honcho. Boris's was done by Conrad Black, taking time off from being cuddled by Big Billy Bob in his cell in Canada. I am not making this up. UPDATE: Brown wrote the piece about Obama (yeah, like he knows him well and they are great friends). Read the whole thing if you have the stomach for it.

Gordon Brown (left, proving he is NOT gay), had his puff piece written by Jake Rowling, a well-known creator of fantasy stories for children. I thought it worth a fisking. (No, Gordon, don't get excited, I said fisking. There is no T in it).

Gordon Brown by JK Rowling

Back in the mid-1990s, when he was new labour's brooding, intellectual heavyweight, I was a lone parent struggling to get by. Fisked: He was unpopular back then as well, but brighter than Tony; I had got up the duff and had the bairn.

He said he was not interested in stigmatizing the poor but in finding solutions for their predicament. I was tired of hearing government ministers lambaste the likes of me as irresponsible scroungers. I wanted Gordon Brown in charge. I wanted more taxpayer money, no questions asked, and he was the man to give it to me.

He went on to become one of the longest-serving Chancellors of the Exchequer that Britain has ever seen. While our economy grew strongly, he could have stood back and done nothing; on the contrary, he brought in and continually drove up the minimum wage, and 600,000 children and a million pensioners were raised out of poverty. He was given a scoring pass on the economy by Ken Clarke, so no shit stuck to him for years. The Tory legacy and low-tax competitive economy provided the money to raise the levels of welfare considerably, creating a client state. New bureaucracies sprang up, specialising in redefining 'poverty', so that people could be said to have been in it in 1997, but not now.

When capitalism shuddered on its foundations last year, Brownite words like responsibility and morality started issuing from the unlikeliest politicians. When it all caught up on Brown and went pear-shaped last year, more new bureaucrats and Spads were employed, to rewrite the history of his economic malfeasance, and to seek to blame other people in other countries.

Global financial regulation, something Brown had advocated long before last September, shot to the top of the political agenda. One of the first things to do was to pretend that his incompetent dismantling of our banking regulatory system had been a success, but now we needed to go further.

Now Prime Minister, Brown took a lead among European leaders in setting a course for economic recovery. He hosted the most important meeting of the world's major economies in years. In doing so, the British press said, he had become "Chancellor to the world." He had finally engineered the departure of Blair, who could see, anyway, that the economy was well up shit creek without a paddle. Gordon invited lots of people to London, because it was Britain's turn to host an expensive boondoggle, and it took a lot of time and effort to produce a communique at the end of it which was full of absolute whoppers about 'new' money to be thrown after the 'old' money that we ran out of last autumn. One pressman out of about three thousand might have said that he had become Chancellor to the world, at McBride's suggestion.

The son of a Presbyterian minister, with a formidable intellect and a work ethic to shame a nest of ants, the 58-year-old Brown is frequently dubbed "dour." I know him as affable, funny and gregarious, a great listener, a kind and loyal friend. These are strange and turbulent times, but issues of fairness, equality and protection of the poor have never been more important. Mention the God thing, always helps; makes him seem less likely to be ripping off expenses. When you are as wrong headed as him, you find your workload goes up, putting out all those fires. He often invites me to semi-official functions, as I am famous and good for the yoof vote. Because he has managed to increase the gulf between rich and poor since 1997, he sees there is much more to do in that tricky area. Obviously, I do not know what 'gregarious' means.

I still want Gordon Brown in charge. He is my inspiration for Voldemort, and without him I'm buggered.

158 comments:

Anonymous said...

Bill (not quango) says:

FWIW, as an adult I am happy to say I have never read any of her books. Then again, I never read Tolkien either as man or boy. Biggles was more up my street. Then later Buchan and Sven Hassel. More recently but pre New Labour Patrick O'Brian. I know you are ex-Army but if you are interested in ta good read I strongly recommend Derek Robinson's books about the RFC and RAF (Piece of Cake was done as a TV series).

electro-kevin said...

Great post and fisking.

And the puffing of Boris ? Was that as fictional as Brown's ?

I can't see him being the man of the hour as many seem to think.

Bill Quango MP said...

Derek Robinson is a great military fiction writer. Although he keeps writing the same story and has a nasty habit of killing off a major character and then brining them back in the next book without any explanation,he is still very readable. War Story, Goshawk Squadron and Piece of Cake are best.

Skip his early spy works. They are not very good.

idle said...

Thank you, both Bills, for the Robinson plugs.

e-k, Black was a bit over the top with Boris, but it was not disingenuous. He suggested that everyone loves Boris and that he causes no offence, which is hardly true. A lot of people don't buy the buffoon thing at all, and see a scheming politico like all the rest. A lot of women hold him in contempt over his ugandan activities.

Philipa said...

Excellent fisk.

I wrote more but lost the lot. However, a lot of women would just like to hold Boris. Tuh!

Philipa said...

As for your upddate; I feel lunch coming up.

Tuscan Tony said...

Good stuff. Is there any way of getting this post in front of the ghastly Rowling bird?

Bill said...

I do find Boris amusing but can't say I really like him. I stopped buying the Speccie during his editorship. Mind you I don't like Cameron either.

lilith said...

A lot of women hold him in contempt over his ugandan activities.

Yes but he is still hot.

idle said...

Boris? Hot?

Lil, he is no more than a well-upholstered albino. I suppose you imagine he will whisper witty things about Pericles and Carthage whilst in flagrante delicto.

Oh! Boris! Yesss! Tell me more about Thucydides!

lilith said...

You've got it Idle...I guess it is just that he is an alpha male. I don't generally go for blondes :-)

Philipa said...

Are you a teensy bit jealous, Idle?

idle said...

Only of his employment, pip.

Mayor of London and a weekly column in the Torygraph, plus the odd after-dinner mortgage-payer?

I could do that; gissa job.

Bill Quango MP said...

In case you missed PoliticalBetting.

Richard Timney (aka Mr Jacqui Smith)

There’s not many of us left, since Dennis died,
male members of the
Political Wives’ Club.

We lurk in the shadows,
as supportive as the womenfolk
who make for a better backdrop.
The £40k in spenders comes in handy, no complaints
but there are sacrifices nonetheless.

Who wouldn’t rather live in a Grace-and-Favour,
exchanging Redditch for Belgravia?
You do your best, maintain the second-home front,
for a not-often-Home Secretary.

It’s hard to fill the time, but you manage,
between trips to John Lewis,
and writing some letters to the local papers.
There’s only one rule really, that Dennis set down -
“Stay out of the spotlight”.
I thought I had done better than most.

Jack Dromey, David Mills, Ed Balls
all members of the club,
who couldn’t help but fly too close to the Sun.
And the Mirror. And the Mail.

Cash for Peerages, dodgy mortgages, the SATs debacle -
I did quite well at keeping my head down,
playing Laura Bush to their Hillary, Nancy and Barbera.

But it doesn’t take much
to bring the whole thing crashing down around you.
Once the press smell Raw Meat,
the dogs descend, and you stand not a chance.

I did my duty, took the heat,
and now must bear the shame.
What sticks in the throat,
the one thing I can’t forgive,
is that the cheap bathplug she chose
doesn’t even fit.

idle said...

Thanks, Bingo. He's good, that Morus.

The Lakelander said...

J K Rowling is one of the most successful living writers of fiction in the world.

So who better to write a work of complete fiction on what Gordon has achieved?

Old Holborn said...

TT,

It is very simple to get Rowling to read anything.

Just rename the post Harry Spotter and the Giblet of Liars and her copyright lawyers will thrust it under her nose within 5 minutes

Job done.

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