Monday, 20 August 2007

Smutty Limericks

Lear, Edward 1812-1888


Tired and emotional after the long retreat from the North West coast of Scotland, I am unable to concentrate fully on the prizegiving for the previous competition, so let's start a new one in the meantime, suggested by True Blue. I bet Edward Lear had some absolutely foul creations that he saved for his mates in the club or pub. I hope we can do him justice with a few really dodgy ones.

I passed Pitlochry at about 11am this morning; the following sprang to mind (best read in a Scots accent):


There was a young girl from Pitlochry
Who made love to a man in a rockery.
She said "You have come
All over my bum -
That's no' a fuck, that's a mockery

33 comments:

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

you're dodging the issue...

idle said...

True, Mermaid. The bandwagon moves on to Somerset for a duty family visit with barely enough time to check the accumulated post of the last ten days. Back on Saturday....

true blue said...

There was a young mermaid named Myrtle,
who had an affair with a Turtle;
She had Crabs, they did say, in a year and a day......Which proves that she was fertile !

idle said...

Apols to all those who will be offended by the following:

There once was a Bishop of Birmingham
Who rogered two girls while confirming 'em
He lifted his frock
And diddled his cock
And pumped his episcopal sperm in 'em

Nick Drew said...

quit bashing the bishop, idle

you'll go blind, you know you will

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

There was a blog poster called Idle
whose name didn't rhyme with anything I could think of.
So I stopped writing this limerick.

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

There was a blog poster called Idle
Whose wife liked to fit in a bridle
He thought he could ride her
Well he certainly tried her
But then I couldn't think of any other word that rhymed so I stopped writing this limerick too.

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

True Blue - I know Myrtle, that's my half-sister. She's a slag.

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

THERE WAS AN OLD BLOGGER CALLED IDLE
Whose wife liked to fit in a bridle
he thought he could ride her
Well, he certainly tried her
Til he peaked - and his coming was tidal.

idle said...

A mermaid, of London EC
Owns a cat, quite infested with flea
So she'll bathe it in Moet
With hairdryer she'll blow it
But it's breath is beyond remedee

true blue said...

Old Idle`s ajolly good bloke
Who made love to a cow as a joke
He found pleasure divine
With this delectable bovine.....
Now he`s called Idle t`old cow poke......

Myrtles Half Sister Moorgate
Had a date one day with a Skate
He behaved like a bounder and wrapped his wings round her....
Now she`s terribly late !

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

There was a young lassie called Blue
Whose footballing lore was askew
She thought Evertonians
Were Mersey's Champion-ians
But the Reds were the cup winners true

true blue said...

Mermaids a delicious dish
A truly most eloquent fish
She has a wit divine.. much faster than mine...
Oh Bugger it Sod and poo tish !

true blue said...

One for Idle:

The Vicar from Santa Domingo
Said to the Curate By Jingo!
Blast women and boys
I need some new joys
So he promptly f....d a Flamingo.

electro-kevin said...

There was a young Rabi called Keith
Used to circumcise boys with his teeth
It wasn't to save, on sharpening the blades ...

...But to get to the cheese underneath.

idle said...

One for Trube:

There once was a gaucho named Bruno
Who said "one thing I certainly DO know
Senoritas are fine
Young boys are divine
But llamas are numero uno"

true blue said...

For Electro:
There was a young chap called Kevin
Who went a walking the Moors of North Devon
On meeting a black bunny Kev thought..That`s funny....
Havn`t we met somewhere before ?

Scroblene said...

Idle, you beat me on your verse, which was always my 'solo' during the customary singing after a rugby match!

Can I alter the tune and just copy the words of my all time favourite song, then you can revert to the filthy disgusting hilarious limericks which Merms, Trubes and Co are producing...

(Sung to the tune of Men of Harlech)


Life presents a dismal picture
Dark and dreary as the tomb,
Father's got an anal stricture
Mother's got a fallen womb.

Sister Sue has been aborted
For the forty-second time,
Brother Bill has been deported
For a homosexual crime.

Nurse has chronic menstruation,
Never laughs and never smiles,
Mine's a dismal occupation
Cracking ice for Grandpa's piles.

In a small brown paper parcel
Wrapped in a mysterious way
Is an imitation rectum
Granddad uses twice a day.

Joe the postman called this morning,
Stuck his prick right through the door,
We could-not despite endearment
Get it out till half-past four.

Even now the baby's started
Having epileptic fits,
Every time it coughs it spews
Every time it farts it shits.

Yet we are not broken-hearted,
Neither are we up the spout,
Aunty Mabel has just farted,
Blown her arse hole inside out.

I hope nobody is offended...

electro-kevin said...

I've never been so disgusted as I have reading this thread. Well done, Idle - you really know how to get decent people to plumb the depths.

Great fun though.

true blue said...

Must be time now for old Mama Trubes to win an award !

electro-kevin said...

There once was a lady called Trubes
Had a terrible problem with pubes
She thought it quite weird
That the length of her beard
Ran all the way down past her boobs.


And that's saying something at her age !

electro-kevin said...

I know you're a looker, True Blue, I can sense it.

Was my lymeric enough of an award for ya ?

xxx

electro-kevin said...

Mermaid of Moorgate was witty
Her life on the journal was gritty
She'd imbibe on her Pimms
whilst relaxing her limbs
Goodness, my dear you're right pretty !

electro-kevin said...

There once was a hunter called Idle
He'd shoot at grouse for survival
He'd barely hit a barn door
His shot was so poor
At last ! Got one 'cause it's suicidal !

electro-kevin said...

There was a nice man called Scroblene
Actually he was quite mean
Despite his kind image
He was feared in his village
'cause he once was a Royal Marine

true blue said...

For Electro: (Thank you for my award, "Sheer poetry")

How perceptive you are young Kevin
`Tis the pureness of air in South Devon
The delectable Trubes has voluptuous boobs....
And blue eyes to send you to heaven....

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Trube and EK, why thank you both, thou art right kind to a young fishy x

electro-kevin said...

I can tell from the way you comment that you're a glamourous gran, Trube. You have an easy confidence about you and I believe everything you've just said.

My pleasure, Mermaid.

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