Sunday, 30 December 2007

One-Hundred-and-Eiiiggghhhtteeee!

Henry was very proud of his new watch. He hardly ever took it off, and when he did, he kept half an eye on it, from his bathtub, shower, or wherever. He didn't take it to away rugby matches because he couldn't concentrate on putting his knee on the opposing flanker's testicles in a ruck, thinking instead of a dishonest bastard half-inching his Rolex from the Away dressing room.

He made the mistake, however, of taking it on tour to Guernsey at Easter. His mate, captain of the team and scrum half, had a successful father who owned some sort of gin palace, modest but functional. The gin palace was duly motored across to the Channel Islands to provide cheap accommodation and totty pulling power for the duration of the tour. There were bunks for six, including a private double at the front (the bow?), which became the official shagging berth.
Henry pulled on Night One, a lovely balmy evening in late Spring. He got the islander well juiced up, winked at the lads to indicate that the Shagging Berth would be occupied for the next 15 mins, and went below (as they say).
After a few minutes of unrewarding foreplay, Doreen (for it was she) asked Henry to take his watch off, as the chunky strap was marking her back. Gentleman to the core, but briefly forgetting that his first love was his timepiece, Henry unclipped it, put it in his left hand, and reached out for the ledge beside the bunk, without missing a beat in his quest to locate Doreen's ribs with his tongue, via her throat.
The porthole was nine inches wide, barely wider than Henry's knuckles. Did he touch the sides (as it were), as he reached blindly to his left? He did not. Was the porthole open? You bet it was.
Henry opened his grip, and waited for the clunk of watch-on-ledge. Clunk came there none. Instead, a muffled splosh.
Doreen and Henry's lust was not consumated that evening. He sulked all the way through the tour, and cannot hear the name "Rolex" to this day without wincing.
Idle knows this story to be true. The Rolex pictured is - wait for it - a "Sea Dweller".

72 comments:

Tuscan Tony said...

Ha ha ha! I was disrobing on a rock (part of sea defences at Grignano Harbour, lovely spot), placed the precioussss carefully alongside me, only to watch it move slowly, then accelerate down amongst the boulders. Much time spent working my way down into the depths of the rosks, debating where to send an imp in there (this is lobster country); eventually resigned myself to the loss.

You have my sympathy....! Any desire to dive the spot the next day (by this "Henry" cove, natch, and 'as far as you can recall him telling you', of course)?

idle said...

Henry is not Idle, Tuscan. But I know him well, and have told the tale many times, so it sounds almost autobiographical.

I wouldn't have parted with the sovs for a Sea Dweller in the first place, after all.

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

When I was eight, some dame gave me a mother of pearl bracelet which was too big for my tiny arm. Seeing a pool of water in the park, and driven by that instinct of all children to head straight for water, I ran and was merrily playing with the reeds when my dad caught up and said: "where's your bracelet?" it had fallen, fallen, fallen down into the bottom of an ornamental lake in Ottawa's national City park. There must be a call from the sea for all things pretty if so many of us lose our pretties there.

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I had a teddy called Tigger who I thought would enjoy our drive to the Cameron Highlands in Malaya by being dangled out of the window by his tail. So often was I warned of the likely outcome of this practice by my parents, that when eventually I let go of his tail by mistake, I let at least a mile go by before owning up to my hopelessness. By which time, of course, finding the wretched animal was beyond us. We tried, of course, but no dice.

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BTW, welcome back Merms. I imagined that Mr Right had swept you off your tailfin and taken you to paradise for the winterval.

Lilith said...

Ha ha ha!

I love rings. I hardly wear them because I need my hands uncluttered these days but years ago I longed for a *Valuable* ring...a big fat emerald would have suited nicely.

I have one "valuable" ring (c£175 the bloke in the antique market said ?!). My gran gave it to me. It is a pearl that was given to my gran by the Queen of Raratonga as a "thank you" for nursing her. My gran had it set. It's very pretty. I wore it a lot until I lost it and then I realised it is pointless having valuable stuff. It's bad enough when it's value is sentimental..

Anyway, I found the pearl ring. But I stopped wanting the emerald.

I walked into the sea wearing brand new Oakley shades, and Whoosh! the first wave had them.
And as for watches...ha! Maddening contraptions, can't wear 'em.

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

HA! No, sadly Captain Ahab is still searching for his white whale (I guess that would be me, although dont tell greenpeace!)

electro-kevin said...

Have you seen the end of the most recent version of the film Titanic ? Where the aged Rose leans over the bow rails of the exploration vessel and drops the Heart of the Ocean into the abyss ?

I burst out lauging in the cinema at this point; I immediately felt that a more fitting ending would have been for her to have kept the sapphire and 'hocked one back' and flob over the side just the way Jack Dawson had taught her all those years before.

idle said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
idle said...

Possibly, E-K, but I loathed Titanic and any new versions that don't include the death of Celine Dion in the first reel are unlikely to float my boat, as it were.

Scroblene said...

Ha ha ha Idle!

Magnificent tale; and I will send it - if I may - to a pal who had a similar problem with a top-of-the-range mobile phone...

He lives on Guernsey, so will ask him if 'Doreen the Diver' has had any luck yet ;0)

Newmania said...

Yes very good ,I have found the mobile in my back pocket slipping into the lavatory has been a weakness.

In the end the only way I have cured myself of losing things was by not having them at all. Its the monastic ploy

Barnsley Bill said...

I have the same model.
Although not the most pricey timepiece it is the most treasured, I wear it constantly and the only time it ever comes off is to be put in the toy box at the bottom of my wardrobe.
On my occassional trips to Sydney it goes to the dealer for a clean.... I wait with the watch as the little old man completes the clean.
I would sooner lose my front teeth than my sub.

Old Tarf said...

What a way to pass the" Time", so to speak.

idle said...

Welcome, new commenters. I hope I can do enough posting here to make your visits worthwhile, but to be honest, I'm a bit idle.

idle said...

.

idle said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
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