Friday, 16 November 2007

Planes, Trains, and Firearms.....

DO NOT MIX

Idle planned to be far too busy to post this weekend, but if I tell you that I am marooned in the Executive Lounge at Heathrow Terminal One, you will begin to catch my drift.

It's a long story.

Last time I travelled with my shotgun in its splendid, burnished leather case, battered but beautiful, I was told that the lock was insufficient and that next time I should expect to have it refused entry to the plane. The cheek! Vintage guns come in vintage cases, c'est tout. But the jobsworth made it clear he was planning to obstruct me at the next opportunity.

So, this week, I planned ahead and googled for airline-friendly cases. Being of Aberdonian stock, and owning, as I have said, a burnished beauty of a case, etc, I opted for the *oh dear* bottom of the range. It appeared at my office yesterday, a limp-wristed and poofterish excuse of a shotgun carriage case, barely able to withstand the negligence of a trotskyite BAA baggage handler, let alone a determined Mozzie with evil plans for the denizens of Slough. And did it have any locks? Did it fuck.

Instead, there were holes through which padlocks could be attached. Three of them. So, rushing from lunch at the Savoy, I espied Mr Robt Dyas' emporium and summoned the manager. In broken English, he advised me on the quality of his padlock collection. A budget pack of four small-but-strongs were purchased.

Of course, I got back to the office and discovered they didn't quite fit. Furthermore, the hinges along the spine of the case were so easily jemmied as to be worthless.

So Idle, discovering this just as he was about to head to Heathrow, had to make a detour to the architectural ironmonger near Piccadilly Circus. Took me an age, heavily laden with guns and baggage. But reasonably strong chain-link was provided (£1.50 a metre), and the padlocks could be affixed, and a circumference of chain round the whole shebang, to boot.

Now the pressure was on. The Bakerloo got me to Paddington alright, but the Heathrow Express was expressly NOT express, if I make myself clear. In fact it was suffering"congestion", and my journey time was nearly doubled.

I sprinted, Alan Wells-like, from the train at Terminal One, cunningly leaving a small case holding my work papers on the train. I arrived at the check-in, sweating like the Chief Stoker of the Great Britain, and was offered seat 2F. But wait! Production of the shotgun caused much discombobulation. Magically, seat 2F disappeared, and the flight was "closed". Why? Because the trotskyite baggage handlers will not commit to less than an hour to walk a WW Greener 12 bore approx 300 yards to the plane, despite my having booked the gun onto the flight a week earlier.

Some fucker is sitting in 2F right now doing my crossword and drinking my BA bloody mary, and I hope he bloody well realises it.

Me? I'm booked onto the 1940 (expected 2020), and my whisky-drinking is taking place not on Deeside but in the Exec Lounge. The company is commercial folk, I believe. Thank god granny isn't alive to read this.

My papers? Not yet found by the Heathrow express guards, or cleaning staff. I have been advised by a nice skinhead on the desk at Terminal One to manage my expectations lower, as it were.

Have my Three Bad Things happened? Or was the loss of work papers a mere inconvenience, and I shall be prised out of a mangled fuselage somewhere in the Peak District tonight?

It's a bastard, the whole thing. Plus I exchanged short sentences with a plutocrat this afternoon and will have to pretend he was right and I was wrong when I see him next week. Oh, woe. Another whisky, please, Manuel, and is there an update on the delayed 1940 to Aberdeen?

18 comments:

Lilith said...

Oh Idle, I do hope they have got you onto a plane by now, and that you didn't get barred on account of too much alcohol in your bloodstream...or for having nostril tweezers in your handluggage or wearing unmatched socks etc etc etc

Scroblene said...

Poor you old chap!

Couldn't you have done a 'Day of the Jackal, and pretended it was just a crutch'?

Shame about the papers too, as some git is probably trying to work out how he can extort a squillion from you!

I think your 'three' are definitely up now, and I fully expect you to have a throbbing head today, which will throb even more with all the banging going on...;0)

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

What a croc! I hate jobsworthies. If you'd been really really late I could have understood it. But think on the good side, the person in 2F who was sipping your drinks may have been unwittingly sitting in a seat full of kiddy sick which had not been cleaned up properly.

also - I think you may have gained the accolate for "line of the day" -

it appeared at my office yesterday, a limp-wristed and poofterish excuse of a shotgun carriage case..

very descriptive! WE like the bile and anger of the Idle man. More please - and hope you get to your destination with less aggravation in future!

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

What a croc! I hate jobsworthies. If you'd been really really late I could have understood it. But think on the good side, the person in 2F who was sipping your drinks may have been unwittingly sitting in a seat full of kiddy sick which had not been cleaned up properly.

also - I think you may have gained the accolate for "line of the day" -

it appeared at my office yesterday, a limp-wristed and poofterish excuse of a shotgun carriage case..

very descriptive! WE like the bile and anger of the Idle man. More please - and hope you get to your destination with less aggravation in future!

The Hitch said...

call me old fashioned Idle
But id feel a lot safer on an aircraft with chaps like you(or indeed myself) cradling a shotgun just waiting for the first muzzie to cry ALLAH UH AKBAR as he tried to detonate his shoes or set about the cabin crew with a stanley knife.
Hitch thinks that in the event of a hijack, instead of oxygen masks falling down it should be Glocks
no more hijacks

idle said...

Perhaps we should become Air Marshals, Hitch. All the duty free we can handle and trolly dollys in resort hotels worldwide.

Only one thing wrong with that plan..... all trolly dollys are now pooftahs.

electro-kevin said...

I left the police and joined the railway.

Both jobs are primarily about inconveniencing the travelling public. It's in the job description. You get paid bonuses to do it.

That was a joke.

No - really, my heart goes out to you. It's a bugger and you did the right thing by venting your spleen with all of us here.

I hope that when tomorrow comes that your delay has put you in the path of some good fortune that you would have missed otherwise.

Lilith said...

You could try taking our dog with you next time Idle...he would charm the pants off security and you could take an arsenal in handluggage.

Tuscan Tony said...

Hope the shooting more than made up for it!

idle said...

The reason for lack of posts here is entirely down to high birds, Tuscan.

I could tell you about Chirk Castle on Friday, but you wouldn't believe me. Exhilarating.

Lilith said...

You are right, Idle. We wouldn't believe you.:-)

Mermaid of Moorgate said...

NEW POST PLEASE

idle said...

That's rich coming from the Mermaid, who has lifted her skirt only three times since Nov 7.

Will you interview me, Merm? I feel unappreciated and failing to connect with a public which would adore me if only the interviewer could work her magic. I'm not rock 'n roll enough for Mick Brown or Nigel Farndale.

But I'll post soon.

Lady Jane said...

I for one am looking forward to it.. (your new post) and am only de-lurking to let you know!

Lady Jane said...

Merry Christmas!

Scroblene said...

Idle, if you're back...have a great Christmas eh?

Anonymous said...

This blog was... how do I say it? Relevant!! Finally I have found something
which helped me. Thanks a lot!

Stop by my blog :: the best diet plan

Blogger said...

Did you know that you can earn money by locking special areas of your blog / website?
Simply open an account on AdscendMedia and use their Content Locking tool.